Jokes Again

I know i've been doing alot of jokes but i keep finding websites with cute ones so here are some more.

A kindergartener was sitting at his desk making funny faces at
anyone that would watch.
The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly,
"Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick
that way."
Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess you
learned the hard way."

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with
his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the
lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good
baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then
why did you eat him?"

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path
of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your
money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this! I'm a
United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what
you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God
is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.....This is Megan I did change dummy it wasn't that so if it sounds funny its cuz it swore.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

A blonde lady and a man are in an elevator. The blonde obviously
just ending a hard day of work and says, "T.G.I.F."
The man sort of laughing and says, "S.H.I.T."
The lady frusrated says again, "T.G.I.F."
Again the man says, "S.H.I.T."
The lady turns to the man and says, "How dare you swear in the
presence of a lady! T.G.I.F.; thank god it's friday."
The man turns to her and says, "I wasn't swearing! S.H.I.T.; sorry
honey it's thursday."

What is dumber than the two brunettes who tried to build a house at the
bottom of the ocean?
The two blondes who tried to burn it down.

3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of
tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks".
The secondblonde said, "I think they're dog tracks".
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks".
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

One day a blonde woman was so fed up with all of the dumb blonde
jokes that she decided to kill herself. She took a rope outside
and found a suitable tree. She threw the rope over a branch and
proceeded to hang herself.
Soon two men came along and asked, "what are you doing?". She
replied, "I'm hanging myself." The two men looked at her and
said, "well usually if your trying to kill yourself you put the
rope around your neck." Then the Blonde said, "Duh, I tried that
but I couldn't breathe."

One day a very fat blonde met a very skinny brunette downtown.
The blonde gave the brunette a long look full of contempt and
said, "Looking at you, I'd think this country is suffering from
starvation."
The brunette just smiled and replied, "Looking at you, I'd think
you're the reason."

Two blondes went shopping one day. They got done shopping and
went out to their brand new, cherry red convertible. They got to
the car and noticed that they had locked their keys in the car.
So they tried to think of a way to get the keys out. After
trying for an hour and a half, one blonde notices that there is
a rainstorm coming and says, "You better hurry up because it is
gonna rain and the top is down!"

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son.
It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the
Principal!"

One day a blonde decides to stand up for herself, and prove that
you can be blonde without being stupid. So she decides to learn
all the states' capitals. After she does that she goes up to a
man, and tells him to pick a state and she will name its
capital.
The man says, "Montana."
The blonde replies, "Capital M."

One day, two guys were on the green at a golf course and a funeral
procession went by. One guy completely stopped right in the middle of his
putt, took off his hat, and put it over his heart. The other guy looked at
him and said, "I never knew you had such respect for the dead."
The man watching the cars pass by said, "Well, it is the least I could do.
We were married for 35 years."

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head
out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and
said,"Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."

Three girls are dead. A brunnette,a red head and a blonde. The brunette
goes up to God. God says, "say on true thing about yourself and you may go
to heaven."So the brunette says" I think....Oh!I have brown hair." up to
heaven she goes. Then the red head goes up to God. And she has to say
something true about herself also. "I think....Oh!I was born in
California." up to heaven she goes. Next is the blonde and she has to say
something true about herself too. So she says, "I think" down to hell
she goes.

Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull
dumps a load on one of the blondes. The brunette says, "I'll go and get
some toilet paper." When she left, one blonde turns to the other blonde
and says "Boy, is she ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull
will be miles away."

3 blondes are stranded on an island and they are trying to find a way off.
A magician comes along and says he will grant each of them one wish.
The first blond wishes that she was 1,000 times smarter so she gets that
and builds herself a plane and gets off the island. The second blonde
wishes to be 10,000 times smarter so when she is, she builds a boat and
sails off the island. The third one wishes to be a redhead so when she is,
she walks onto the bridge and onto the mainland.

A little boy had a father that was in a fight in a bar. The little boy ran
to get help. He saw a police and he asked the policeman to help quickly
because his father was in a fight. So the policeman went into the bar and
broke up the three men that were fighting. Once everything was calm the
police asked the little boy which one was his father. The little boy
replies, "I don't know. That is what they are fighting about."

A blonde calls the travel agent and asks, "How long does it take to fly to
Bali?" The operator had multiple lines to answer and says, "Just a
minute." And the blonde replies, "Wonderful! Thank you!" This is megan again..It took me a bit but now i get it.

10 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. "The knee bones connected to the...jaw bone."
2. "You know, testicles are highly overrated."3. "Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?"
4. "Hey, the pizza boy's here."
5. "This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I'll show him."
6. "Crud, I dropped my contact in there."
7. "Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh."
8. "Don't worry, it probably won't happen to this one too."
9. "Lets cut this, just for fun."
10. "You idiot, that's not anesthetic, that's medicinal
marjuana."

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly, obviously feeling down in the dumps.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak
to me for a month."
The bartender said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but shouldn't that
make you happy?"
The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk
to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
nowhere."

There are three woman on a island and land is 300 yards away. A
brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The brunette swims 150 yards
and dies. The redhead swims 200 yards and dies. But the blonde
swims 250 yards and gets tired so she swims back.

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a medium
pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into:
six or twelve. "Six please," said the blonde, "I can't finish twelve."

This blonde goes to the doctor complaining of headaches.
Noticing she hasn't taken off her headphones at all during the
exam, he suggests they may be the cause of her headaches. He
tells her to take them off. "Oh, no. I just couldn't," she says,
"without them, I'd surely die." "Oh, come now," the doctor says,
"let me help you." And he pulls them off her head. Sure enough,
moments later, she is dead on the floor. Curious, he picks up
the headphones and hears, "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe
in...breathe out..."

Man: I hear that the workers are on strike for shorter hours.
Blonde: Good--I always thought that 60 minutes was too long for
an hour.
Woman: I see you are taking French lessons--why is that?
Blonde: I've adopted a French baby and I want to be able to
understand him as soon as he talk.
Very Proud Mother: My son has been walking ever since he was 7
months old!
Blonde: Wow, really?!
Mother: Yes!
Blonde: Well, he must be awfully tired!!

What do a lightly cooked steak and a smart blonde have in common?
They're both considered rare.

Thats only a few off the 200 pg and g rated jokes i read.I love that website. I didn't put all the jokes they had up there.If you want more or want to read r rated jokes the website if www.funny.com
Luv,Megan